Breaking Down the Vikings Schedule Week by Week

Scheduling Gods smile on the Vikes

In looking at the 2009 schedule for the Vikings, a couple of things caught my attention. One, that it’s a pretty decent schedule for a defending division winner, and two, the NFL age old conspiracy memo against the Vikes must not have been distributed to the scheduling office (I personally don’t believe there’s an actual memo, but I must play to my audience). The bye comes smack dab in the middle of the schedule, they finish off 5 of their last 8 games at home, and their slate of road games aren’t an NFL equivalent of the Bataan Death March. So let’s look at the formality of the 2009 regular season that we must unfortunately go through before the Vikings win the Super Bowl.

Week 1: at Cleveland— The bad news for Vikings fans is that recent history shows the Vikings have an anemic record with the road, outdoors, grass trifecta, going an embarrassing 8-18 (including playoffs) since 2004. Two of those ‘outdoor’ wins are at Houston and Arizona, retractable roof stadiums where yeah, it was outdoors on grass, but that’s kind of stretching it. Kind of like saying John McCain is a Republican stretching it. The good news is that although it’s a road, outdoor, grass game, it’s against the Cleveland Browns, who are really, really, terrible, which goes a long way to alleviating the disadvantage the Vikes have under those conditions. See 2008, Jaguars, Jacksonville. What the Browns lack in an offensive attack they make up for with a glaring inability to defend the run, something the Vikings excel at. Sagevaris Jacksonfels goes without an interception, but that’s because Adrian Peterson runs 55 times for 300 yards and 4 TD’s, as Brad Childress is reluctant to break out the passing component of the KAO. The Jacksonfels line for week 1: 0-0, 0 yards, 0 TD’s, 0 picks, solid game management. Vikes win and are 1-0. Brad Childress bronze statue plans are unveiled in the Minnesota Legislature.

Week 2: at Detroit—I’m not kidding when I say this is the game that worries me the most. Quit laughing, it really does. The Vikings have a maddening way of playing up or down to their competition, and this is a team that the Vikings usually beat, but it’s a lot tougher than it should be. Had it not been for Dan Orlovsky being an idiot, and a VERY generous pass interference call in the 4th quarter, the Vikings would have been the only win last year for the Lions. Kind of like the Vikings were for the Carolina Panthers a few years back. When you add the ‘new coach and attitude’ intangible into the equation…I hate to say it, but I think the Vikes lose this game. The Childress family is forced into hiding, entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Week 3: San Francisco—Vikings home opener against San Francisco. Our longtime antagonist Mike Singletary returns to the Metrodome, but this time, he’s coaching a pretty bad 49ers team, and he isn’t the middle linebacker for one of the greatest defenses of all time. His sideline stare still causes Sagevaris Jacksonfels to piddle himself midway through the second quarter, but The Greatest Running Back Ever not only stares down Singletary, but he causes him to…wait for it…BLINK! Singletary then drops his pants and tells Peterson to kiss it, but Peterson hears ‘kick it’, and he does. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D- San Francisco) files a motion to vacate the Vikings win and give it to the 49ers, saying that although the Vikings worked for the win, it should be taxed at 100% and given to those ‘less fortunate’. Norm Coleman sues somebody, saying he should be a Senator somewhere, and it’s Nancy Pelosi’s fault he isn’t. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell brokers a deal where the Vikings keep the victory and Pelosi is promised an NFL team in the Bay Area ‘real soon’. Coleman’s suit makes it to the Minnesota Supreme Court, where once again he’s told to pack sand…in Fargo, because it’s still dangerous up dere, donchaknow.

Week 4: Green Bay (Monday Night)—Monday Night, at home, against Green Bay. The Curious Case of Brad Childress finally unleashes the secret weapon that is Sagevaris Jacksonfels, who goes a torrid 3-11 for 11 yards and no touchdowns. But his play was ‘solid, no mistakes, kind of the flatline you look for in a good game manager’ TCCOBC says afterwards. About halfway through the first quarter, Kenechi Udeze and Jared Allen come up with a plan to ‘meet at the quarterback’, and Aaron Rogers pays the price. Brett Favre comes out of retirement, and the Monday Night crew phones John Madden, so he can call the game. Favre throws 11 interceptions, and John Madden declares that no one in the history of the game threw a prettier interception than Brett Favre, because Brett Favre just loves playing the game, and if he had 53 Brett Favre’s he’d have…605 interceptions a game…BOOM! Vikes win, the Childress’ come out of hiding, and the statue plans are back on, baby! Peterson is such a battering ram against the Packers, they just lay down in the fetal position and suck their thumbs early in the fourth quarter. Vikes are 3-1 and life looks pretty good in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

Week 5: at St Louis—I will tell you now that I will be at this game, and my revered father will be with me. I mention this because at every single gut wrenching, soul crushing, life-sucking-out-of-you, open-a-vein-in-your-arm-and-wait-for-the-blissful-dark moment that has tortured Vikings fans since 1961, my Dad has been there right next to me. I was too young to remember Super Bowl IV, but I was there. Dad almost mistakenly threw me against the wall instead of the Grain Belt can when Otis Taylor beat Karl Kassulke to put the game out of reach. We were at my Uncle Russ’ in White Bear Lake during the Hail Mary game. We watched in horror from the comfort of our Richfield living room as the Vikes lost Super Bowl VIII, IX, and XI. He tried to get his mind off of the SB XI loss by helping me build a soapbox derby race car for Cub Scouts after the game. Let’s just say if you picked power tools, Grain Belt beer, and a Super Bowl loss in your disaster trifecta at Canterbury Downs, you’re a winner! Car didn’t get built, but a lot of frustration was let out on that poor piece of balsa wood. Dad only has three fingers on one hand now, but god damnit, it was worth it. (Just kidding on the three fingers part). In the 1987 NFC Championship, we watched from his home in Columbus, Ohio, with me taking leave to be there. For Wide Left, we commiserated on the phone the whole game, he in retirement in Florida, me stationed in Alabama. When my phone bill came, I was billed an extra $850 surcharge for the excessive use of the word ‘fuck’. In the Nate Poole game, Dad was visiting me over Christmas, and we took in the game at a local sports bar. For a little guy, he can sure talk some shit to Packer fans half his age and twice his size, and my face almost cashed that check. Nothing like dragging a pissed off 70-something guy out of a bar while trying to avoid an ass beating. I’ve never cornered an angry badger, but I imagine it’s similar. Dad assures me it would have been a character builder. For me, not him. For him, it would have been funny. The only reason that I mention this tortured history is because we will both be at the game, live and in person. That can only mean bad shit will happen. Adrian Peterson will blow out a knee, Jared Allen’s arm will fall off, and Brad Childress will be given a lifetime contract and 50% ownership in the team. At the conclusion of the game, there will be a press conference to announce that the team will move to Pierre, SD, at the end of the season, because, well, there’s a better chance of getting a stadium there than there than in Minneapolis. Vikes are a crushing 3-2, and I'm pretty sure my Dad finishes the character building exercise he started for me at the end of the Nate Poole game. We are in the most dangerous city in America, after all. And my character needs some buildin'.

Week 6: Baltimore—Matt Birk’s homecoming will be an emotional one. Birk was one of my favorite players, but he now wears the purple of the Baltimore Ravens, so fuck him. So much for emotion. Kevin and Pat Williams make him their Scandanavian bitch, and the Vikes roll. At 4-2, Vikes get their mojo back, and am discharged from the hospital the Saturday before, character better than ever.

I'll add a few more games as the days go by, but right now I'm too pissed off at Alfonso Soriano, Chris Perez, and the Cardinals front office for not getting a decent closer in the off season.